What is marriage really like you ask? First and foremost, it’s amazing, to have your best friend always there and going through life with. But that’s only the bigger, much bigger picture... the picture you see on your Facebook or Instagram feed.
In real life, it’s much more complex. Have you ever lived with someone for an extended amount of time? You can’t tell me that there’s been nothing your roommate has done that hasn’t pissed you off! It’s inevitable! Well, try living with someone for eternity. The SMALLEST things will set you off... and things just pile on top of the frustration.
So there’s living together, then there’s making big choices together, small choices, building relationships with your in-laws and balancing both families and so on. Social media doesn't make it any easier, throwing out temptation & unrealistic standards. You’re going to fight, cry, feel frustrated, mad, sometimes not understood. You may go into periods of time where these happen more than the smiles, laughs and all that love, but I’m here to tell you IT’S OKAY!
You can’t dwell on the negatives of your relationship. Remember those vows? For better or worse, richer or poor, sickness and in health?
But the only way to truly thrive based off of those vows is to be self aware, selfless and here’s the big one COMPROMISING. Until this can happen, good luck.
Here are my secrets so far:
Let’s start with the in laws... you’ve got it all wrong if you expect things to always be peachy keen, but here’s the thing, those are your husband or wife’s parents. Why would you ever want to put your S.O. between yourself and them? My husband is a family man, he will do anything for his parents, especially his mom. And while most ladies will give the eye roll to that statement, it’s one of the reasons he stole my heart, his family is #1 and that’s huge for me. Sometimes I may get frustrated with the way they do things, and they may not always think what I do is admirable, but we respect each other and I can honestly say the relationship with my in-laws has only gotten better. Try talking to them more, finding out a little more about their family and their past and it may actually become very eye opening to the way that they are.
Next communication. This is something Joe and I are always needing to work at. We both get caught up in our long days that we forget to mention things or discuss plans that turn into misunderstandings and yes, bickering. It makes one of us feel out of the loop which leads to frustration and can trigger the “you could have taken your plate to the sink” or “you were on your phone and weren’t paying attention to what I was saying.” Heard these before? We are all probably guilty!
Trust is another biggie! You can't keep questioning their trust.. that is, unless they have previously compromised this. The trust Joe had in me started way back in the beginning of us dating, when I was away at college, my ex lived a few houses down the street. Joe NEVER questioned me, even after not hearing from me all day while in class. This really set the tone to our relationship. Speaking of exes, Joe was ironically friends with 2 older exes from back in high school that were in our friend group, he didn't let the past ruin their friendship. They both were invited to our wedding!
Pick & choose your battles people. Constant bitching is just exhausting. Ladies, I know you wanna bitch at your man for leaving the kitchen and living room a mess, for not putting a new trash bag in the can after emptying (like good job you took the overflowing bag out, but what am I suppose to do with a handful of garbage I amazingly balanced all the way over here...& it’s always when you’re rushing to get out of the house or go to bed) but just stop and let it be, he’s always done this YOU CANT CHANGE their habits.... easily! lol. The minute you turn everything into “you didn’t do this” or “you should have done that” they tune you out. Try a different approach, be more understanding, PUT YOURSELF IN THEIR SHOES (always) but think about how you would want them to approach you about leaving clumps of hair on the shower wall, more like “babe, I know you may forget after taking the trash outside to put in another bag, but it would make my life just a smidgen easier if you did.” SEE!
Now back to those vows. These basically mean HAVE THEIR BACK ALWAYS. It’s not always 50/50 sometimes one of you has to fork over more mula for bills and living, sometimes one of you has to stay up later than the other, or wake up earlier, or take care of the other. You can’t be selfish in a marriage. Sometimes one of you will go through a hard time in which the other has to step it up. This gets tough too after kids, sometimes Joe and I play the “you got to sleep in longer yesterday,” or “I did that last time” game. It’s hard not to! You don’t have to ignore these issues just try not to compare, it will get you no where.
Lastly, it’s okay and normal to fight or argue. But remember, try to think of how the other feels, why are they mad, could I have said that differently. You need to talk about your feelings, or things could get worse, but try to be calm about it (yeah yeah, I know it's not always easy). Sometimes Joe just needs to hop in his truck to cool off and I'll just need to go clean something. In the moment of the dramatic yelling, crying and frustration you can’t always see clearly. You will disappoint each other, let each other down sometimes, but go cool off then apologize. By identifying where you were wrong, it really helps smooth things over to again, let the other person know “I see what you mean,” or “I understand your feelings.” This doesn’t mean you have to agree on things. Joe and I agree to disagree a lot! It’s also in the way you say things or what you say that comes off insensitive or rude
Now I know these things sound easier said than done, but if you start stepping back and remembering "this is my best friend, my partner, I gotta have their back through it all," it really helps bring you back to that bigger picture.
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